Lack of Desire

Lack of desire is the second most common sexual problem. This problem include not having any desire for sex and lack of desire for one's partner. It can be caused by medications, stress, overall health, etc. and is often a secondary problem that starts after another sex problem.

A medical examination should be the first thing to do when there is a lack of desire to make sure there are no physical problems. If there are no physical problems, lack of desire can be addressed in sex therapy with a high degree of success. If there are physical problems, sex therapy can help individuals and couples find ways to over come the physical limitations and the emotional problems that are usually present along with the physical problem.

Lack of desire can be the result of specific turn offs. These turn offs can result from partner behaviors, body hygiene, partner or self body image, place where partner wants to have sex, etc. Things that use to be a turn on may become turn offs. Lack of desire can also last throughout one's life no matter who they have for a partner. Life events such childbirth, loss of a loved one, and financial problems cam affect sex desire.

A leading cause of lack of desire is being too tired for sex. Long working hours, taking care of household chores, and parenting responsibilities often force sex to the bottom of the list. Sex, while not being the most important part of a good relationship, needs to be included on our list of things to do and time set aside for intimacy and sex in a relaxing and enjoyable way.

Some therapist say that anger is at the root of all lack of desire problems that do not have a medical basis. Whether that is true in all cases or not, anger is not an erotic emotion. Anger may be at self or at a partner, at sex for being boring, etc. Denying anger makes the situation more troublesome. Open communication is a key to insuring anger does not become a bed partner.

Sometimes bed partners result from previous partners, parents, or friends that are living and dead. We let them enter our minds and visit our bedrooms. Bed room "ghosts" that exist as result of a bad relationship, parental training, etc. can usually be overcome with recognizing what the ghost is and using humor and thought changing exercises. Ghost that are the result of past trauma or sexual abuse can also be vanquished but may require the assistance of a therapist.

Sex can arouse a lot of anxiety in some people who are unsure of themselves or fear humiliation. For someone who has never had sex or has had a bad experience with sex, the anxiety level can be overwhelming. One may fear that they will not be able to become aroused or excited and fail their partner. Alternatively, one might fear the consequences of sexual activity (pregnancy or STDs). Fear of the sexual situation because of failure or negative consequences can decrease their interest in sexual activity.

Loss of sex drive for gays and lesbians sometimes results when they force themselves to desire the wrong sex instead of act on their sexual desire for individuals with the same sexual orientation. This is common for "closeted" gays and lesbians. 

Some people tell me they have lost their desire for sex because they have gained weight, are overweight and don't feel attractive. The following link will take you to a site that promotes a weight loss program that can result in a lifetime of effective weight control and feeling sexy.

If you have experienced loss of desire for only a short time, it may take care of itself. Ending stressful or anxious situations may also help you get your sex drive back. Look at what the cause may be for you personally. Is it your partner, your environment, etc. If the loss of desire continues see a sex therapist who can help. If you live in a remote area and do not have access to a sex therapist, then consider engaging in helping discussions with someone, like myself, by email, chat, telephone or video cam.